How are all your people down at Selsey?
Who told you my people come from Selsey?
Never mind. They do.
How do you come to be up so far east? You were
born in Lisson Grove.
Ohh, what harm is there in my leaving Lisson Grove?
It weren't fit for a pig to live in and I had to pay
four and six a week.
-Oh, live where you like, but stop that noise.
-Come, come,
he can't touch you. You have a right to
live where you please.
- I'm a good girl, I am! - Yes, dear. Yes.
- Where do I come from? - Hoxton.
Well, who said I didn't? Blimey, you know everything, you do.
You, sir. Do you think you could find me a taxi?
I don't know whether you've noticed it, madam, but
it's stopped raining. You can get a
motor bus to, uh, Hampton Court.
- Well, that's where you live, isn't it? - What
impertinence!
Hey, uh, tell him where he comes from, you want to go
fortune telling.
Cheltenham, Harrow, Cambridge and, uh, India?
- Quite right! - Blimey, he ain't a "tec." He's a bloomin' busybody.
- That's what he is. - If I may ask, sir,
do you do this sort of thing
for a living at a music hall?
Well, I have thought of it. Perhaps I will one
day.
He's no gentleman. He ain't, to interfere with a poor girl!
- How do you do it, may I ask? - Simple
phonetics. The science of speech.
That's my profession. Also my hobby.
Anyone can spot an Irishman or a Yorkshireman by his brogue, but I can place a man within six
miles. I can place him within two miles
in London. Sometimes within two
streets.
He ought to be ashamed of himself, unmanly coward!
- Is there a living in that? - Oh, yes. Quite a fat
one.
- Let him mind his own business and leave a poor girl--
- Woman! Cease this detestable "boo-hooing" instantly... or
else seek the shelter of some other
place of worship.
I've a right to be here if I like, same as you.
A woman who utters
such disgusting and depressing noise, she has no right to be anywhere, no right
to live.
Remember that you're a human being with a soul and the divine gift of
articulate speech, that your native
language is the language of Shakespeare
and Milton and the Bible. Don't sit
there crooning like a bilious pigeon.
Ohh!
Look at
her A prisoner of the gutters
Condemned by every syllable she utters
By right, she should be taken out and hung
For the cold-blooded murder of the English tongue
Heavens, what a sound This is what the British population
Calls an elementary education
Come, sir, I think
you picked a poor example.
Did I?
Hear them down in Soho Square dropping "H"s
everywhere
Speaking English any way they like
- Uh, you, sir,
did you go to school - What
do you "tike" me for a
fool
No one taught him "take" instead of
"tike"
Hear a Yorkshireman, or worse hear a Cornishman
converse
I'd rather hear a choir singing flat
Chickens cackling in a barn
- Just like this one
- Garn!
"Garn"! I ask you, sir, what sort of word is
that?
It's "ohh" and "garn" that keep her in her place
Not her wretched clothes and dirty face
Why can't the English teach their children how to
speak
This verbal class distinction by now should be
antique
If you spoke as she does, sir instead of the way you
do
- Why, you might be selling flowers too - I beg your pardon?
An Englishman's way of speaking absolutely classifies
him
The moment he talks he makes some other Englishman despise him
One common language
I'm afraid we'll never get
Oh, why can't the English learn to Set a good example
to people whose English
Is painful to your ears
The Scotch and the Irish leave you close to tears
There even are places where English completely disappears
Well, in America, they haven't used it for years
Why can't the English teach their children how to
speak
Norwegians learn Norwegian The Greeks are taught their Greek
In France, every Frenchman knows his language from "A" to "zed"
The French don't care what they do, actually,
as long as they pronounce it properly.
Arabians learn Arabian with the speed of summer lightning
The Hebrews learn it backwards which is absolutely
frightening
Use proper English
You're regarded as a freak
Oh, why can't the English
Why can't the English learn
To speak
Thank you.
You see this creature
with her curbstone English,
the English that'll keep her in the gutter
'til the end of her days?
Well, sir, in six months, I could pass her off as a
duchess at an Embassy ball.
I could even get her
a job as a lady's maid or a shop assistant...
which requires better English.